Click here
to read some of
Ibby’s letters on
CR ’s website
STeveN A. CAPU TO Sr.
would be inspired by me and want
to support me. I needed this in the
most desperate way.
I decided to put myself on
display, appearing brave and
avoiding the swamp of self-pity. I
imagined how my ideal self would
handle the situation, and then I
decided to become my ideal self.
I would live and die with dignity—
and report on the process.
Over the course of my
treatment, I wrote 14 letters that
I e-mailed to an ever-growing
list of family, friends, colleagues
and acquaintances. They were
my audience and I performed for
them. The support they gave me in
return was like medicine.
The task of reporting on myself
occupied most of my time. I
remember one instance in the
shower, when I was bald and
weak, rinsing my itchy rash-covered legs. I kept thinking, How
am I going to explain this in
my next e-mail? I composed in my
head constantly.
When I found clarity in the muck,
the words flowed effortlessly
from my heart to the screen.
Then I would edit each letter for
hours, making sure the details
best represented my reality and
emotions. Pressing send made
me feel free but empty, as if I had
just cast my soul into the ether,
where it would be tested and
tried in the same aggressive way
as my body. Then the feedback
would start filling my inbox, and
I would feel my struggle was
validated.
I found my voice during my
illness. It emerged for my family
and friends, and for my own
survival. Putting myself on
display was my way of securing
therapeutic doses of love and
support; reporting on myself
allowed me to gain a sense of
control over my vulnerability.
It also gave meaning to what could
have been my last deadline.
CR | Page No. 15 | www.CRmagazine.org
Ibby Caputo is a two-year
survivor of acute myelogenous
leukemia.
